Parenting & Families
Strategies for the Working Parent
I was a working parent, and I know how difficult it can be to juggle three lives simultaneously – home, work and school – never mind the guilt that goes along with just not being there. In the best of all possible worlds, it would be better if moms were there for the formative years, bonding and not separating prematurely. We know, for instance, that children learn something at the knee of their mothers that they cannot learn anywhere else, and that is, security. Furthermore, a well-bonded child does better at everything, including processing information, problem-solving, and sticking with a problem longer; as well as cognitive, language and social development. But this is not an ideal world, and mothers do have to work to make ends meet – sometimes holding down more then two jobs at a time. Even so, there is a lot that parents can do to create a potentially negative experience into a win-win situation for all in the family. In all of life’s situations, it is important to know the rules:
Rule 1 – Sit down as a family in a neutral space and have an empathic family meeting where the entire family, including the children, brainstorm on how to create ways to participate in the family, so that the family system works and is on a positive course. This requires authenticity from all members involved, including mom and dad. This family meeting works for all family structures including the single parent. It is based on the premise that each member gets an established time to speak and an established time to listen, which is the best way to communicate. Moreover, each party is invested in the outcome, and has a role in creating the rewards and consequences for appropriate behavior in this family model and, therefore, learns positive ways to solve family problems. Since all members of a family are a part of the whole, it is important to reinforce their membership by being both respectful and mutual. In fact these are the rules of the empathic conversation which also include:
1. No humiliating, shameful, or embarrassing statements;
2. Listening with your full attention;
3. Invest each participant in the conflict resolution process with rewards and consequences for appropriate behavior;
4. Mutuality;
5. Trust – based on experience;
6. Reliability – teaching that each member of the family can be counted on – no matter what.
The empathic conversation should take place at least once a week, in a neutral and safe space. I always recommend the kitchen table- the alchemical heart of the house, where all things mix together for nurturing and transformation, such as baking and cooking food. It is important not to have this discussion in anyone’s office, study or bedroom – no one’s power place. This approach teaches role modeling of the highest order – valuing yourself and others – and it reconnects us to our family so that we can check in once a week and see where everyone is; how they are doing; and how they are feeling. This process can also be used to reassign and rotate chores. By investing your children in the process, they are more likely to follow the rules.
Rule 2 – Structure in as many things as possible; for example, get enough sleep, give up being perfect, and keeping a perfect house. Relationships are much more important, and much more flexible. If you make mistakes and are easier on yourself, you open up a space for others to be more human and misstep every once and a while. On the other hand, it is important to give yourself the best chance for the least stressful day. So first set an alarm clock allowing you time to wake up both yourself and your family – making sure that everyone has enough time for personal hygiene; to prepare breakfast; take necessary vitamins and meds; and to get to school and work on time. Grocery shop with a weekly list, including the lunch preferences of your children. During the school year, pack lunches the night before. Invest your children in what they may like for lunch. Don’t force feed them – it may contribute to eating problems later. Lay out younger children’s clothes, by mutual agreement the night before, allowing children choice to build confidence and competence. In some cases, you may even want to bathe and dress younger children in things that won’t wrinkle, such as Carters’ clothes. This can save a lot of time in a busy morning. Print up an activity sheet and pin it to your children’s doors giving them a heads-up so that they have the freedom to plan personal time. Add to the activity schedule a list of chores, attached to a weekly calendar for rewards-and-consequences. Use a visual form of awards such as stars posted where all can see. Boys are especially interested in visual markers of success and will really work for them. And finally, schedule play time for yourself and your family – not always together.
Rule 3 – If childcare centers are a must, do your homework. Check out not only the facility, but also their time schedule; their curriculum; their discipline and their emergency policies – noting especially if it fits your personal discipline and emergency style. Also, check their ratio of teachers, aids per child, and their general state of overall cleanliness. The better the job you do in the beginning, the lower your stress level later. If your child doesn’t go to nursery school or a child care center, make sure you check out the references carefully of those you hire to be caretakers. If your child must stay home alone after school, be sure you teach them how to safely do this; including keeping doors locked, not letting anyone but immediate family in, and not playing with fire, stove or any dangerous implement. Have an emergency plan and a responsible adult checking in with your children at regular intervals, if only by phone. Most importantly, be sure your child is old enough, and responsible enough to do this. I don’t recommend leaving anyone under 13 years of age home alone, and certainly no one with a mental handicap.
Rule 4 – Know the rules. Create house rules with your family that can be adhered to and make life easier for the entire family. These should include common courtesy, respect, reliability, responsibility, and fairness. Chores that gain rewards should be added to the house rules, and tokens which can be cashed in for personal wishes can be established weekly. These reward tokens should not include money, but rather private time with mom and dad; objects desired such as a new lunch box, a new bike a new art kit, an outing with friends, a movie. Children are part of a family and you don’t want them to feel that they are paid for their membership. On the other hand, allowances should be established for each child because as a part of this family, there is consideration for their special financial needs. This teaches responsibility in money matters. There should also be a specific bedtime, study time, and computer schedule. Whenever possible, be present for as many PTA and extracurricular activities as possible. Children need you be invested in them, and you need to know what is going on in their lives – school and social. Scrutiny is not spying. Parents are entitled to parent, and they need to know where their children are; when and with whom. But this must be done in a respectful way, by maintaining healthy boundaries between you and your children. Finally, create ways to bond, and be there even when you are not, by recording bedtime stories on audio tapes, and even being a little creative in making up bedtime stories by using your children’s names as characters in a tape recorded story.
Rule 5 – Things that you can do to reduce stress:
- Learn how to relax and teach your children how to relax. It is simple! Simple exercises take the edge off. The key is to have a regular time to do it.
- Meditate, using progressive relaxation techniques. This can be a life long practice, to both reduce stress, and by so doing, enhance learning.
- Take a warm soak bath. Gift yourself with time-out.
- Ask for help when needed. Kids love to chip in when asked. Learn to delegate. No one can do everything all of the time.
- Be the adult and create quality time with your children – giving each child private time whenever possible.
- Communicate, connect, listen and pay attention – know your child. Value yourself and you will value your child.
- Don’t burden your child with your problems – let them have their childhood. If you need help, seek professional help – go to a counselor.
- Be reliable so that your children can count on you.
- Don’t make them responsible for one another.
- And most important – have empathy for yourself; have empathy for your children; and this will teach them empathy – the best protection for getting along in the world.
Finally, you and your child are on a journey together – honor the process. The only thing you really have to do is meet your child’s needs, nurture them, and be there by being reliable.
