Parenting & Families

January 30, 2013SHARE   

Bullying and the Angry Child

One in ten children gets bullied every day. One hundred and sixty thousand children don’t go to school because of their fear of being bullied. What does this say about us and our school culture? Children start complaining about bullying as early as elementary school, and, if bullying is allowed to go unchecked, it can have lasting and detrimental effects on our children. Is your child being bullied?

Here are some of the signs to look for:

1. A change in school grades;
2. A change of social behavior, for example, not wanting to go to school;
3. Complaints of illness, withdrawal;
4. Aggression, a change in eating habits, sleeping habits;
5. Regressive behavior such as bed wetting;
6. Loss of personal possessions, such as books, pens, notebooks, articles of clothing, jewelry and even lunch;
7. Look for anxious behavior of any kind;
8. Any changes from the normal day.

Know your child:

Pay attention, and know your child so that you can recognize the signs of stress. Talk to your child, and ask them to tell you what is going on and then listen, giving your child your total attention without any criticism. Don’t blame your child or discount their feelings. Remember, bullying takes on many forms not just a physical form. Emotional bullying is equally as painful and just as damaging. Don’t use phrases such as “You can take it” or “Don’t be a baby”, or “Words can’t hurt you” – they can and they do. They hurt the spirit and can cause a feeling of free floating anxiety which can make a child experience low self esteem – that there must be something wrong with him or her. This feeling of low self worth can follow your child for the rest of his or her life.

Who is the bullyer? This is the child that likes power, not necessarily the child that we used to think felt inadequate or experienced abuse. It is true that children take their cue from their parents, not just in modeling behavior but also in relation to what is the appropriate way to interact socially by respecting other people’s boundaries. Children who are abused or treated in a disrespectful way are more likely to imitate that behavior. But what seems to be the common denominator of bullying is the need for power, either because a child feels powerless at home or because he has become used to too much power at home. There are a number of strategies that you can use to both help your child and the bully. Yes the bully needs help too, for this child doesn’t have healthy social behaviors, empathy or coping skills. This can lead to a lifetime of relationship problems, generational parenting problems and/or problems with the law.

Strategies:

Know the rules. It is important to know the rules in all situations and parents must partner with the school as well as with other parents to teach those rules to their children. Parents must parent and are entitled to parent. If parents respect themselves they will respect their children, and their children will respect themselves and the community at large.

• Rule number 1 – is the rule of social engagement — how to get along socially in the world. That means that your child should be taught at home and at school to have self-value. If a child has self value then they will neither bully nor be a victim of bullying.
• Rule number 2 - If a child is the recipient of bullying, they should report that inappropriate behavior to the proper authorities immediately. That means to their parents, to their teacher and, if the inappropriate behavior continues, to their principal.
• Rule number 3 - Parents must advocate their child. Children must be able to count on their parents to advocate them no matter what. Parents must follow the same chain of command by reporting the inappropriate incident first to the teacher then to the principal. Here it is important to note that the parent must make it clear that bullying is unacceptable behavior and that it must stop immediately. Now this is positive assertive behavior and should be modeled by parents to their children.
• Rule number 4 - Talk to the bullier’s parents. This is necessary to constructively and positively help not only your child but the offending child. By calling attention to the bullier’s misbehavior, the parent has a chance and an option to intervene and help their child remediate. These problems tend to escalate, and bulliers who violate other people’s rights can end up with problems and can ultimately end up violating the law.

Rule number 5 - Parents must partner with the school to add to their curriculum a program that is based on the empathic process. This is an approach which teaches through communication and listening skills, role playing and modeling both what it feels like to be bullied and how to develop more successful approaches to get what you want in social interactions. Fellow students, the teacher and the school as well as parents become a support system for the child so that he can deal with the baggage he comes to school with, find a win-win approach for problem-solving, and learn through parents and teachers how to walk successfully through the world. In a sense the parent and the teachers create a problem-solving model which gives children daily strategies that help them in all of their social encounters. Also built into the curriculum should be strategy for consequences and rewards. This allows for the teaching of responsible appropriate behavior, as well as the consequences when or if such behavior is violated. Consequences might even include, in the most severe cases, isolation for the bully, or removal from the school. The idea of school as a safe environment in which children can learn not only academically but also how to become good citizens can happen, if the school addresses these issues with children in a positive win-win approach.